What Would Mordred Do?

I stole this from Susan Higganbotham's blog a while back, then forgot about it. It's designed for authors to fulfil with ten characters from their own writing, but as I'm not writing anything, let's go with something more traditional!

Choose ten of your characters, then answer the questions. For best results, put names in a hat and number them at random.

* 1. Mordred
* 2. Lancelot
* 3. The Green Knight
* 4. Arthur
* 5. Yvain
* 6. Gawain
* 7. Guenevere
* 8. Morgan le Fay
* 9. Lunette
* 10. Merlin

4 [Lancelot] invites 3 [the Green Knight] and 8 [Morgan le Fay] to dinner at their house. What happens?
As the guest couple do not approve of french food, they bring their own contributions. The Green Knight thus arrives dragging a herd of bloodied deer corpses, but accidentally substitutes his own head when it comes time for cooking. Morgan helpfully finds it and reattaches it with her Magical Ointment Of Head-Reattaching. Her husband and her host later use this for a merry after-dinner game of bowls. As a gift for their host, in lieu of wine, she brings ointment of Making The Desired Married Lady Fall Asleep And Appear Dead So That You Can Marry Her After The Funeral, patented when she developed it for Cliges, but later stolen by Friar Lawrence.

9 [Lunette] tries to get 5 [Yvain] to go to a strip club. What happens?
She manages to persuade him by reminding him that she's already seen him naked. Once there, he fails to recognise that Laudine is among the strippers because she is not wearing clothes or any other insignia. As he is in his guise as The Knight With The Lion, she fails to recognise him.

You need to stay at a friend's house for a night. Who do you choose: 1 [Mordred] or 6 [Gawain]?
Well, whom would you trust not to enter your bedroom in the middle of the night and make pressing suggestions? On the other hand, given Gawain's later English reputation... best invest in a lock. Or a lion.

2 [Arthur] and 7 [Guenevere] are making out. 10 [Merlin] walks in. What is their reaction?
Puppy-dog eyes, then reminding Guenevere of all the times she said things like "Who'd want to marry Arthur" and that she'd never want either Arthur or Lancelot and liked much more ordinary men like Merlin? This, unfortunately, woudl lead to Guenevere pointing out quite reasonably that Merlin never noticed her attachment to him despite her telling him about it every episode and sometimes kissing him, while Arthur alternately mocks Merlin and wonders quietly which of them he's actually jealous of anyway.

3 [the Green Knight] falls in love with 6 [Gawain]. 8 [Morgan] is jealous. What happens?
I believe we have a whole poem about that already.

4 [Lancelot] jumps you in a dark alleyway. Who comes to your rescue: 10 [Merlin], 2 [Arthur], or 7 [Guenevere]?
Arthur turns up first, via his magical powers of Distressed Damsel Detection, but is rather startled to find that it is Lancelot doing the jumping. As he demands an explanation, and Lancelot attempts to explain that all he wanted to do was offer to rescue me from my next appointment with a stake and flames, as he would for any woman, Guenevere turns up in her husband's wake and demands an explanation for why he hasn't offered that to her, then. As the discussion descends into recrimations and bewildered protest, I am quite forgotten and wander off to have a sensible conversation with Merlin, who had been left behind to polish Arthur's saddle and is rather bored by now.

1 [Mordred] decides to start a cooking show. Fifteen minutes later, what is happening?
Mordred has got side-tracked by making special invasion cupcakes in his own colours (Here's something I prepared earlier!), and abandoned the stage to Morgan and her Magical Mayhem Special. Meanwhile, in the wings, guest star Merlin is stealing guest star Arthur's poisoned wine.

3 [Green Knight] has to marry either 8 [Morgan], 4 [Lancelot], or 9 [Lunette]. Whom do they choose?
Despite his penchant for noble, well-muscled young knights, the Green Knight is enough of a traditionalist to insist on a female fairy partner to rule over his fairy/underworld/forest kingdom with him. He considers Lunette, but soon breaks off the engagement when he realises that all her lotions and potions and ointments are made by the hands of another woman. And history is made!
Besides, Lancelot is French, and turns up his nose at the Green Knight's cooking.

7 [Guenevere] kidnaps 2 [Arthur] and demands something from 5 [Yvain] for 2's release. What is it?
She demands that he either stop injuring himself and making the maids blush, or just pay up for his own maid. Or she won't let her husband out of their room. And then they'll really make the maids blush.

Everyone gangs up on 3 [the Green Knight]. Does 3 have a chance in hell?
Well, he IS the devil. I'd say that he'd have a pretty good chance in Hell.

Everyone is invited to 2 [Arthur] and 10 [Merlin]'s wedding except for 8 [Morgan]. How do they react?
A poisoned spinning-wheel, of course. This condemns Arthur to sleep for centuries in Avalon, and Merlin to sleep for centuries in a rock. She tops this off by bearing Arthur an incestuous love-child who will destroy his kingdom and make horrible cupcakes. Never let it be said that one may lightly scorn Morgan le Fay.

Why is 6 [Gawain] afraid of 7 [Guenevere]?
Some mysterious, inexplicable presentiment that her actions will result in the deaths of his two most beloved brothers.

1 [Mordred] arrives late for 2 [Arthur] and 10 [Merlin]'s wedding. What happens, and why were they late?
He was too busy mustering his army, and by the time they arrive all the invasion cupcakes have been eaten.

5 [Yvain] and 9 [Lunette] get roaring drunk and end up at your house. What happens?
Upon closer inspection, the lion is the one doing the roaring, while Yvain is quietly tearful about his wife. Lunette gives him a full-body massage with mysterious Morgan oils on your couch and uses the whole bottle, even though it was very expensive, and puts him to bed without offering to pay for the couch to be steam-cleaned.

9 [Lunette] murders 2's [Arthur] best friend. What does 2 do to get back at them?
In revenge for Lancelot's failure to fulfil his traditional role of Turning Up At The Last Minute To Rescue Ladies From The Stake, she substitutes Morgan Oil Of Lavender-Scented Hip-Bath Lusciousness for the Morgan Oil Of Head Re-attaching that he was using to play games with the Green Knight. This casts rather a pall over their dinner. But makes the cuisine appear considerably less French, thus appeasing the guests, who are hardly averse to gore in any case.

6 [Gawain] and 1 [Mordred] are in mortal peril and only one of them can survive. Does 6 save themself or 1?
This all depends on a) the height of the sun and b) whether Gawain has realised yet that Mordred is doomed to kill Arthur and is therefore on the List Of Ultimate Evil.

8 [Morgan] and 3 [the Green Knight] go camping. For some reason they forgot to bring along any food. What do they do?
They conjure up a magical castle, complete with serving staff, which for some reason mysteriously resembles a cake decoration.

5 [Yvain] is in a chariot crash [jousting accident?] and is critically injured. What does 9 [Lunette] do?
More oil action, and tutting over the lengths to which this young man will go to get oiled by the maid.